I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
