I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
we should paint friendship bongs
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