My hair reeks of homosexuality.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
