I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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