Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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