currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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