I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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