Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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