there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
