Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
pop tarts are not kleenex
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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