Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
