If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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