if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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