Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize