I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
