Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
