When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
