Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
