When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
