im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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