There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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