It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
