at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
