I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
