The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
