I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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