i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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