dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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