she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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