Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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