At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
