the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just gargled with NyQuil
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
