Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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