I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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