god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
