The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
