I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
