sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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