i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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