At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
