Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
