I got chris browned last night
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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