I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
