Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize