the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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