Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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