I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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