what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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