watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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