i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
