forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
