I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
not ubering you a puppy
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
