there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize