Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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