and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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