the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize