Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
