Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
