Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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