I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
